{Moss Legacy} Chapter 5 | Brydie
From dreams to reality
I suppose things begin to look just a little different once you’ve taken a peek at what might have been. Reality is ever so slightly skewed now, even if it was only a dream when I laid my head on my pillow and closed my eyes, not an actual possibility.
Eating here alone, nothing but my own company, was once a comfort. No unpleasant background noise- raised voices, aggressive footfalls or slammed doors. Now, that content feeling has fallen away.
My solitude now feels like isolation, the empty chair in front of me creates a silence that fills my head and the leisurely days of random thought are gone. I’m back to those lonely days as a child.
Even though his presence had never entered my space, that absence now somehow filled every room and moment. The ticking of my clock becoming louder and louder, aggressive and keeping score.
The pitter-patter of rain gets my attention, kicking my shoes off I run outside and dance. Focusing on the cool drops landing on my skin, the squelching between my toes, the fresh scent of grass, herbs and earth. Free to be myself, embracing and loving nature as I’d always dreamt.
Yet.
Now, there was still something missing.
For a few days, I had convinced myself it was lack of caffeine, too nervous to go back to the store incase Don was there again. As if he was pining after me in the same pathetic way, just waiting by the bananas with my name on his lips.
Once I’d taken that tentative step into the quiet store, found my coffee and no Don I realised I was losing my mind.
So, now I knew, caffeine in my veins, rain in my hair and mud between my toes- that it wasn’t a weird addiction problem.
With my soppy clothes clinging to my body and feet still bare, I decided to run. Away from the fear and feelings. Ticking clock and emptiness.
Unfortunately, it turns out we can’t all Forrest Gump our feelings and start a new chapter with a nice big run. A sport free life had left me without the stamina nor fitness to get far.
With an involuntary sob escaping me, I laid down on a park bench. At least, this felt like something I understood, something like normality. I could feel all the lonely parts of myself there on that bench. Bringing my knees up and closing my eyes, I held all those versions of myself.
At least I’ll always have her.
Until next time,
dag dag x
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Moss Legacy | Brydie’s Story
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